Odette & Odile

Tonight I watched Darren Aronofsky's new film Black Swan with Wen Chean. It was immense, beautiful, sensual and very very creepy. Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis really did a great job and I think they deserve all the praise they've been receiving. But it was creepy, and it would have been more overwhelming had I watched this alone in a dark room.

Behind all the beautiful tutu and elegant moves, there's always a dark side to everyone. It almost lures me into searching for my own darkness. Time to get out the eyeliner and black lace...

The more I dream about it, the more I want to try it - living in New York City. Even though I've been to the city once (back in 2005 during GYLC), it didn't make much of an impression when I was there, but then I didn't really have a chance to explore the city. Right now I'm trying to save up money for summer travels, but I haven't decided where to go yet. Originally I was planning to do InterRailing. But now other places have crossed my mind: North Korea (maybe it's too unpredicted right now), New York or Los Angeles. First thing first: save up money. Target: at least £1500.

m.m.p.

This is the finished piece - Mississippi Mud Pie. I used the recipe from The Hummingbird Bakery Cookbook. It's very rich in chocolate, even though I only used 150g of dark chocolate. But it's sweeter than I had expected (a result of using 300g of soft light brown sugar perhaps?). Anyway this dessert is definitely not good for the body. SIX EGGS I had to use! I headed to the gym soon after I had a slice. Didn't work out much though 'cause my body is being lazy. Last week I had one session where I ran non-stop on the treadmill for half an hour and it felt amazing. But since then I haven't been able to get back into the rhythm, grr...

Another phone interview tomorrow morning (at 9am again - HR people like to test university students, don't they?), followed by a 6-hour day at the University working with secondary school students considering to study the International Baccalaureate Diploma at sixth form/college. IBO should seriously pay me for doing things like these (I'd done it once with Trafford College).

Self-discovery

This "I'll blog and photograph everyday" resolution isn't working out, is it?

Yesterday I woke up early for a phone interview, and as usual I didn't sleep well. I hadn't been sleeping well lately (until last night). It's all part of this stress/anxiety/depression phase I guess. Anyway after a long day at work I was really exhausted, so soon after I made final changes to my speech (for this morning's oral exam) I went to bed (with hair rollers! they're so much better than the curling tongs) and slept incredibly well... then once again I had to get up early this morning, for the oral exam. In the afternoon I made a Mississippi mud pie, which is now setting in the fridge, and I'll finish it with double cream tomorrow morning.

I'm quite tired too, and I shall tuck in quite soon. But I'm feeling better today. I watched Julia Roberts' Eat, Pray, Love. Honestly it's not really good...and I got bored watching it. But I sort of made a tiny self-discovery. Or at least I gave myself time to think about what I really enjoy doing. Since I came back from Japan I haven't taken many photographs, I haven't done much travelling, I haven't sung anything or played the piano or the clarinet at all. All I've been thinking is dissertationjobhuntingexamsclassesreadingessaysapplicationsinterviewstests...

I know we have to be realistic and pragmatic. I don't have the money or time to go off travelling like Elizabeth Gilbert. But at least I remember what I like doing and the satisfaction and happiness I once had. I remember the year in Japan, the solo trip I took to Prague two years ago...I was taking photos everywhere I went and I was marvelled by everything I saw. I remember going to theatres and concert halls, and the feeling of chills down my spine and getting goosebumps everywhere whilst listening to Joshua Bell and Midori doing their virtuosic cadenzas, and singers belting out that last note that makes you stop breathing for half a minute. What I need to do, is just to get myself into doing these things again...I just don't know when I can afford this luxury.

s-a-l-a-d

today I threw some stuff together and made a very satisfying quick lunch (a variation of the salad I had yesterday).

1 ripe baby avocado

1 little gem lettuce

moderate amount of Gruyere, chopped into small pieces

lightly toasted wholemeal bread (I used this Irish yeast-free loaf I bought from Asda), cut into small pieces

coarse sea salt

coarsely ground black pepper

olive oil

balsamic vinegar

It was actually quite filling and I didn't feel hungry until Sam came to make me dinner (salmon fishcakes with spinach and potatoes).

Right now I'm in a musical theatre mood. Last night I downloaded Highlights from the Chess concert at the Royal Albert Hall (starring Idina Menzel, Josh Groban and Kerry Ellis) for just £0.79 for the entire highlights album. Bargain! In addition to Chess, I'm also listening to Spring Awakening, Hairspray, Miss Saigon, Rent, Les Miserables (duh) and The Phantom of the Opera. Aah I can never get bored of it!

P.S. Y-A-Y for Colin Firth who won Best Actor at the Golden Globes last night!

the weekend

Didn't blog last night...was too exhausted after work. Didn't do much today really. Went to the gym after grocery shopping with Sam, but then I did have a tiny revelation by throwing various fruit and veg I had and made a lovely salad for dinner:

1 avocado

1 little gem lettuce

1 yellow bell pepper

2 ripe plum tomatoes

coarse sea salt

coarsely ground black pepper

balsamic vinegar

extra virgin olive oil

I basically chopping everything up and mixed together. Simplest thing ever.

I also had a ready-made pad thai as dinner. I have descended to the laziness of microwaveable ready meals. God what is happening to me? Browsing on NHS Choices, I seem to have symptoms for depression, anxiety, and stress. Not good.

a chocful of love

Today is roomie Wen Chean's birthday. I made her the same chocolate cake I made for Seb's birthday last November. I wanted to make something I had done (succesfully) before so I won't mess someone's birthday cake up. But I still managed to mess it up somehow. Okay it tastes alright and it looks alright, but I was impatient and one of the cake layer sort of broke into pieces when I flipped it over when it was still warm (should have waited until it was cooled!), such a rookie mistake. 9 years of baking experience should not result in this. Argh it makes me mad when I fail at things I know I'm good at.

Lately when I'm thinking about my career and future etc., I keep thinking "what if I had known what I wanted to be from very early on?" and "what if I could choose again? what would I do?". Obviously we can't travel back in time, but if I could it again...I think I might choose musical theatre. Even though I had seen Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat and The Lion King when I was young, but I was never moved or inspired...until I saw Les Miserables at a school production. Then I saw videos of young classical singers performing arias and art songs and all these things made me wanted to take voice lessons. I never wanted to perform in school musicals, I thought musicals and singing were too girly and that they were only for the dominating drama queens. But now when I think about it I really loved it when I pour all my heart and soul into performing a musical number, it gets out all my energy and it feels great! Well now it's a bit too late, isn't it? Plus I can't dance (at all), maybe I can act? And even though my singing has improved since taking voice lessons (I swear I couldn't sing at all before that), I'll never be good enough to become a professional. Hmmm...it's never bad to dream eh? I can keep singing in the shower ;)

Another photo-less blog entry. My apologies.

Nothing much happened today, except for a short visit to the waxing salon down the road, and I made Coq au vin for dinner.

On the job-hunting front, things are looking a little better. Today I did two separate sets of reasoning tests (my eyes are exhausted from staring at the computer screen for too long), and now I have two upcoming telephone interviews, both are happening next week (why do employers like to have phone interviews at 9am? Are they trying to test us and see if we can get up early in the morning?).

On the other hand, zero progress on dissertation/Japanese speech.

Down in the slums

Today I finished the new dessert menu for the restaurant. That's probably my only achievement today.

The day began with me drowning in depression. The POLI30101 essay mark was published online and I have never ever done so badly on an essay at university. Why? why does it happen in my final year? Not only is my chance of achieving a First in jeopardy, I have now given up applying to Oxford for postgrad.

The day got a little bit better when I did well at work, but I hate to think that my only achievement comes in waitressing/shopkeeping. I do realise that I've been whining a lot lately, but I don't think I've ever felt like this before. Everyday I get up and I can't find a thing to look forward to or feel excited about. I know being all self-centred and whiny is not good at all, for me or for anyone, but it's just impossible right now. When will things get better?

Recipes

This is my Moleskine recipe notebook. I first saw it in a bookshop in Kyushu, Japan. Foreign things are usually much more expensive in Japan so I waited until I came back to buy it on Amazon.co.uk. I'm never a creative person (even with art - I'm only good at life drawing and not at anything abstract/original), so I don't come up with my own original recipes. I do, however, use existing recipes and tweak it into my own. With American recipes (e.g. Martha Stewart and the ones from the Magnolia Bakery cookbook) I have to change all the measurements into metric, and often have to reduce the portion.

I also search for recipes online (Delia Smith, the Guardian and the Observer are exquisite) and copy them into this notebook. And obviously I gather my favourite recipes from a variety of cookbooks and copy them into here. Today the Marcella Hazan cookbook arrived in the post - I had no idea how big and heavy it was! It's a paperback but it's the size of an encyclopædia. The structure is similar to French Provincial Cooking and Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I haven't had the time to read through all the recipes yet but I'm already falling in love with it! There are entire chapters devoted to pasta sauces and risotto and pizza toppings. These dishes are simple but the variations could really make a difference. Can't wait to cook! Let's start planning this week's grocery shopping list...

ballet flats

Sorry. Another photo-less blog entry. I have, however, included a image from the web. It's my wardrobe staple - ballet flats. Not just ballet flats, and not the ridiculously over-priced French Sole flats - H&M ballet flats (at £7.99 each pair).

I buy at least one pair every year and I wear them almost everyday during the summer. This is how I got my feet tan lines in Summer 2009 - I wore these flats whilst watching the epic Federer-Roddick Wimbledon finals at the big BBC screen at Exchange Square and five hours in the sun resulted in embarrassing and odd tan lines on my feet. As soon as I wear them out (with holes in the heel) I throw them away and get a new pair. Things got a little difficult in Japan 'cause the H&M in Shinsaibashi didn't sell shoes (I know!) so my temporary alternative last year was Uniqlo's flats, but they were more expensive and didn't last as long.

I usually get one pair in black and another in this pale pink colour. The black ones would go with jeans/trousers/tights, and the rosey pink ones would go with skirts/dresses/bare legs. As an unfortunate girl who has serious problems with bunions, hammer toes and callouses, these ballet flats are a wonder 'cause I can wiggle my toes easily in these flats and run without the fear of tripping or losing my shoes.

another photo-less blog

Another apology. I'm afraid I hadn't taken any photos today. I shall figure out how to do this 'cause I spend Tuesdays and Saturdays at work and these are 10-hour shifts so by the time I get home it's 2200 and I'm exhausted...

My work is pretty boring so I won't blog about it here. I just sit behind the cashier and give out advice or suggestions to people wanting to buy Japanese food products. Sometimes people come in looking for ingredients to make sushi, so I direct them to the rolling mat, seaweed, soy sauce, wasabi, rice and rice vinegar. Since the end of Christmas it's been quite slow at work, not many customers (they've probably spent too much during Christmas). But then recently I've started doing some graphic design for the shop and restaurant and it makes me feel a little better.

I studied Art at school until I left for university, and I had been doing life drawings since I was 5 or 6. I guess I was pretty good at drawing (not painting though). My best moments came when I was 13 and I did a sketch of the side profile of my friend Alice in about 10 minutes during art class - and the resemblance surprised even myself. The other moment that I'm proud about is during one parents' evening (in Year 9 - I was 14), my D.T. (Design & Technology) teacher - the respected and adored Mr. Gee - told me that I should seriously consider design as a career. At that time I really did consider doing graphic design as a career...but then having pragmatic Asian parents I knew it was going to be really tough and competitive so I gave up that aspiration.

Last month I used the existing logos and illustrations the restaurant already has, and designed gift vouchers. My boss was pleased and she said I was "artistic". Haha I don't think I've heard that word for a long time! I'm now working on a new dessert menu. I don't claim to be artistic though, it's all thanks to Adobe Photoshop CS ;)

an unexpected e-mail

Today I made chicken drumsticks (and 29 chocolate chip cookies). The drumsticks were a fusion of recipes by Martha Stewart and Nigella Lawson.

The drumsticks were marinated in buttermilk, a mix of spices (ground cumin, cayenne pepper, dry mustard, Maldon salt and coarsely ground black pepper), and a touch of golden syrup. Then it's coated in a flour-and-cornmeal mix and deep-fried roasted in the oven (220˚C) for 30 minutes. The Martha Stewart version is the flour/cornmeal coating and deep-fry, whereas Nigella Lawson's has no crispy coating. I wanted the crispy coating without the grease so voila - this is my version. Some of the coating got stuck to the wire rack though so it didn't look very golden and pretty. But the buttermilk marinade is pretty awesome 'cause the lactic acid keeps the meat juicy and tender.

Today I received an e-mail from someone closely related but it was rather unexpected. I was really moved and touched by her e-mail, and it comes at the crucial time when I am really frustrated with the job-hunting failures. Honestly I haven't really studied Japanese or done much research for dissertation lately (at least I practice speaking Japanese with my colleagues at the restaurant), because I've been so preoccupied with job applications. This e-mail I received today is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me since Boxing Day. I can find the sisterly support I've never had.

Pizzas

I like to make my own pizzas. The dough takes an hour to rise, but other than that it's quick and easy, and very soothing and satisfying. So far I've only been making two kinds: margherita and mushroom and mozzarella. Need to learn other variations...I like these two 'cause they're veggie and very healthy. As much as I love parma ham and salami, even in my pork-eating days I didn't like them on pizzas. They tend to get really greasy and salty and urgh. Hopefully when the Marcella Hazan cookbook arrives later this week I can start learn to cook real italian food.

"Thanksgiving with no turkey is like Friday with no two pizzas!"

bad start of the year

not good. I didn't go to the gym today. I just came back from a work party at the restaurant and now feel like a pig. I haven't eaten an apple and I physically can't. I didn't take a photo today.

had a discussion about careers with my flatmates today and I'm feeling as crap as I've been for the past month. ugh this job-hunting and uncertainty is so depressing...why can't life be as fun as sitcoms like Big Bang or Friends? I might have watched too much TV that one part of me believes that life could be that easy.

today's post is a short one. I'm discontent with life right now and I probably shouldn't spill my grief and grumble here. Go live your happy lives. I shall come back a happier person soon. Perhaps it's time to think about baking a cake tomorrow morning...

food cravings

Now that I've given up red meat, not having it makes me crave for it even more... I don't normally eat a lot of meat anyway so giving up is not too difficult, but the fact that I can't have it makes me want it more.

I often get food cravings when I watch movies or TV. Examples include:

- The Big Bang Theory: Thai food, meatloaf (in spite of its depiction that space toilet episode)

- Ugly Betty: Mexican food in general, but especially flan ("Brrrring It!")

- Julie and Julia: everything! the lobster, reine de saba, hollandaise sauce, bœuf bouguignon, mississippi mud pie, bruschetta...

- Friends: American food in general, pumpkin pie, roast turkey (the Thanksgiving dinners), pizzas and sandwiches (a.k.a. Joey's not-for-sharing food), and popcorn (from time to time you can see there's a bowl of popcorn on the kitchen table and the characters would occasionally dip their hands into the bowl for some popcorn).

- Sex and the City: cupcakes, salads (these women don't really eat much, do they?)

and then obviously when I watch cooking shows I get seri

ous cravings too...

but then somehow I believe in myself for not breaking my no-red-meat diet, maybe my cravings could be satisfied with just the thoughts of eating these food?

Blogging from my new MacBook:

Let 'Em Have Cake

Today I sent out another job application and completed a reasoning test for another application. I haven't had much progress with this job thing. So far I've had numerous rejections...there's only one upcoming interview, but I don't know when 'cause people haven't gone back to work yet. I really can't screw this one up. I know job-hunting is difficult, especially this year, but receiving rejections is just so depressing!

Apart from job-hunting, I also did some dissertation work. Very little though I must say. I didn't do any work for the past two weeks and I feel I'm quite behind on this dissertation reading. I have a plan for it but I can't write anything until I've read enough. I'm also writing a 10-minute speech in Japanese on the same topic, for the oral exam in two weeks' time (and for the speech contest finals in February). I really must stop procrastinating and get back to work. The trouble is that my topic is contemporary so it's very difficult to find relevant published academic papers and essays. And I need to find sources in Japanese too, which is even more difficult considering I'm like over 5000 miles away from the country.

Next Friday is Wen Chean's 22nd birthday, and I've been contemplating on which cake to bake for her. For my birthday last October she made me this lovely, moist and pink-ish strawberry cake. So I went through my cookbooks, and looked up for recipes online...but still I'm undecided. Right now I'm choosing between a red velvet cake or the chocolate cake that I made for Seb's birthday. I know I'm confident with the chocolate cake 'cause I've made it before and it was good. I've only made red velvet cupcakes but an actual cake, and last time I made the cupcakes the cream cheese icing was not as stiff as I had hoped. Hmm... I can hear a voice inside my head that's whispering "chocolate chocolate chocolate" (or is that the voice of my hormones?), but then a red velvet cake can be wonderful too... aaaaarrrrggghhhh!!! So not only do I have to stress about my career, dissertation, I also stress about making the perfect birthday cake. Perhaps it's fair to say that I'm a bit of a perfectionist. Or is that euphemism for OCD?

extra-ordinary

I added the hyphen between "extra" and "ordinary" because it has been extra (in other words, "very") ordinary. The climax of the day may have been blasting Bon Jovi through the speakers whilst eating mashed avocado on toasts in my room.

Today I made chocolate chip cookies, using the recipe from The Hummingbird Bakery Cookbook. I'm a fan of the bakery and its cookbook, especially the recipes for Green Tea cupcakes, Lavender cupcakes, and pumpkin pie. I haven't tried all the recipes yet, but so far I have found its chocolate brownies and chocolate chip cookies too greasy. From now on I shall stick to Martha Stewart's for the cookies.

I bought this cookbook (Martha Stewart's Cooking School) at Kinokuniya bookshop at Hankyu Umeda station, while I was studying in Japan last year. There was a sale on English books and I bought this for 2,000yen. It's a hardback and has five hundred pages of traditional recipes ranging from sauces and soups to pasta and pies.

See how bored I am right now? I am writing about a cookbook. Okay yes I do love this cookbook...but writing about it is not as fun as cooking from it. Tomorrow I shall make chicken piccata.

I don't intend to make this blog into Julie and Julia (as much as I loved that film), but right now cooking is probably my only passion. I haven't really gone out to take photos, not since going to the Lake District on Halloween. Even though I bought a long-desired Polaroid SLR 680 last month I have yet to find the money to buy the film. I have just ordered another cookbook off amazon.co.uk. Having learned to make several French dishes, I thought I'd try some Italian, that's why I chose to buy Marcella Hazan's masterpiece. Shall let you (whoever you are) know how that goes :)

twenty eleven

I never really make New Year resolutions. To be honest I don't really make New Year a big deal. Yesterday was just another day. Last night I stayed at home and just watched TV with Sam, Wen Chean and Duncan, until midnight.

But then this morning I thought of Helen Fielding's Bridget Jones's Diary and Julie Powell's Julie and Julia, so I decided to blog my way through 2011. Not only will I write a blog entry everyday before midnight, I will also:

• get a job
• graduate with a First
• take a photo everyday
• learn a new recipe every week
• shed the michelin tyre around my waist that had come into existence since the beginning of the last decade (although I must confess I just ate a piece of Wen Chean's brownies - the best ever!)
• go to the gym five times a week
• eat an apple a day
• eat no red meat
• save up £1500 for travelling (right now I'm choosing between InterRail-ing in Europe...or North Korea?)
• drink no alcohol
• drink nothing fizzy

So here are my resolutions.

In Renee Zellweger/Bridget Jones's words:

I've decided to take control of my life, and start a diary, to tell the truth of Bridget JonesVivian C., the whole truth.

And yes I have eaten an apple and taken a photo (of the apple).

I do promise to take more interesting photos (and not with my stupid phone)...

I guess in someway I decided to blog everyday this year 'cause somewhere inside my mind I want to be a good writer (obviously not wanting to become a writer as a career path or whatever). I just want to see whether I can write about my mundane life and make it sort of witty/entertaining in words. Honestly, ever since I came back from Japan my life has been going downhill. As depressed and pessimistic as I am right now (the past month has been absolutely crap), I might just one teeny bit of hope for something better this year.